Theresa Santoro

Empty Threats and Broken Promises

When you threaten a consequence, and don't follow through, you have broken a promise to your child. Consequences and promises seem as if they do not go hand in hand, but indeed they do. If you promise one thing and do another, even in discipline, you have broken a promise made. Your children count on the promise of discipline. It is the only way to test the boundaries set by you.

Lila tells her son Max that if he jumps on the couch one more time, then she will turn off the television. A few minutes later, Max starts jumping... Lila says:

"Maaaaax, what did I just tell you?"

"That if I jump on the couch one more time, then you will turn off the television."

"And I mean it!"

Max sits and starts to watch television again. Apparently mom did not really mean it, as the television is still on. Max knows that his mom just threatens. She rarely follows through, if ever.

What if just this time, Max knows the consequence to be a promise? Lila says if he jumps one more time, off the television goes. Max jumps, and so does Lila. To the television that is now off. She reminds Max what the consequence was going to be and followed through. Max now trusts that his mom does exactly as she says she will.

If you are dealing with a pre-teen, outline ahead of time what consequence bad behavior will garner. Sign a contract if you need to. AND THEN FOLLOW THROUGH! Without warning, without hesitation. A pre-teen is smart enough to know he/she blew it.

What promises do you break when it comes to consequences? Do you threaten the impossible? "If you don't stop, I will beat you into next week!" That was a popular mom and dad ism of the seventies. How exactly do you beat a kid into the next week?

Do you threaten to take away something, only to forget? Are your words idle talk?

In order to reign in your home, you must be true to your word. Be authentic. Don't threaten a beating into next week when everyone knows that will never happen. Use the words you intend to follow through on.

Max will learn to trust Lila as she follows through with her promise of consequences. He will know that she says what she means and means what she says.

Kids are always testing to see where they stand. If you do not follow through, they can't trust. Trust begins at home with you. They believe you when you tell them what the consequence of their misbehavior will be, and that in turn will help them to believe other authority, such as teachers and coaches. They will learn about consequences for their actions, and as they grow they will be able to decide if they are willing to risk bad behavior, knowing full well a consequence is just around the corner.