Theresa Santoro

In my experience, older children that are aggressive, tend to be so because no one ever stopped them before. Permissive parents who think this is normal "kids will be kids" type of behavior. If you are a permissive parent who offers no guidance, children are basically raising themselves, and anything they do by definition is "normal" to them.

As with the younger child, aggressive behavior could be standard operating procedure in the home. Do the parents tend to behave aggressively when dealing with others? Is the desired goal achieved with the aggressive behavior? Is it ignored? As long as there are no negative consequences to the behavior, it will continue.

If this is the first time you are dealing with the aggression even if it has been going on long term, you can use the same techniques you use in younger children only more tuned to the adolescent. You can take away privileges. Cell phones, Blueberry's, i-pods. You can restrict to the home base. When the good behavior takes place, slowly release the restrictions placed on their lives.

If you have been raising your child all along with consequences for poor behavior and the aggression suddenly appears from left field, you might consider the following reasons:

Divorce when your child reaches their teens is very hard on the child. . Divorce breaks every rule you ever taught them. In the teens, kids are pretty much raised. From this point on it is re-enforcement of what has been learned. They have their core morals and values established. At this stage, kids have so much of their own stuff going on, and now they have to take on more. The pressure of divorce is immense. They can become very angry, and not know how to communicate their pain. Pain can show up as aggression.

If a parent loses a job, or becomes critically ill, again the pressure becomes unbearable to a teenager. Aggressive behavior may be the only way they can communicate their fear.

Another possibility for aggression is the older child's way of getting your attention. Do they have a new influential set of friends? Are they testing the limits and boundaries? As with adults, too much stress can lead to aggressive outbursts. Too many time lines and outside commitments can cause a heavy burden. This is a great opportunity for one on one time with your kid. Casual discussion usually brings out their frustrations.

You also need to consider rapid mood changes. Up and flying high as a kite, and then the crash to the ground. They can all be signs of drug abuse. And do not just consider street drugs. Over the counter medicines have become the drug of choice for many teens.

Daily aggression both verbally and violent can be a bigger problem in older children, such as depression. Seek outside help from your school counselor, pediatrician, or clinical psychologist. Don't wait for it to escalate.