Theresa Santoro

School Conferences

It is that time of year again, when your child comes home with the request for conference.

This is never a problem, if your child is on task and all seems right with school. But what is a parent to do, when the conference is for problems in school?

I know your first reaction is to put on your armor and take the ignorant teacher down to the ground. After all, your child is perfect, and if only Mrs. Smith could see that, we would not need a conference!

A few years ago, a teacher friend shared a story with me where she gave an eighth grade student a detention for insubordinate behavior. For the teacher, it was really the last straw. A day later, the teacher was met face to face with a steaming mad parent who shook her finger at her, and told her that she (the teacher) had misjudged her daughter, and that her daughter was sweet, and kind, and would never interrupt her class. With calm, the teacher replied to the angry parent "We must be talking about two different children". The parent held her ground, and the teacher held hers.

Truth was, the parent was wrong. This kid by all counts was belligerent on campus and ignored authority. The parent did not want to see that, and therefore, she shortchanged her daughter, and missed out on a learning opportunity.

As parents, we have to trust that when we send our child out of our home for six hours a day, five days a week, that the teacher and fellow students may experience a different personality at school then we do at home. Think of yourself, or your spouse in the workplace, and at home. Aren't you really two different people? Aren't you still one more personality when you socialize? So is your child.

If the news is less than good, settle down, and try to hear what the educator is trying to tell you. Don't be defensive; instead ask questions. Ask if the teacher has noticed changes suddenly, or is there a pattern? This is important. If the change is sudden, it is usually related to something other than the classroom. Depending on the grade level your child is in, it could be the playground. That is your child's third personality. The personality that is trying to make his/her social standing work. For some kids, it is easy, and for others, a daily struggle.

Social time where the children interact on the play ground is where we as parents need to take a step back, and encourage our children to find their way. Absolutely step in, when they choose a "bad" crowd, but know when they are young, friendships come and go like the change in whether. It is perfectly o.k., and normal. Everyone is trying to find their way.

Be honest if you have had any life altering changes at home or in the family.

If the issue is not the playground,or home, and is more academic, ask the teacher if perhaps the work is too hard, or conversely, too easy. A bored child will not put in any effort, and it will appear the same as a child who is in over their head. Your child's teacher can tell the difference.

At the end of the conference, it is often good to send your teacher a thank you e-mail re-iterating what you spoke about, and agreed to. If you need further clarification, this is the time to request another conference a week or two down the line, after you and your child have come up with solutions at home. It is also a good idea to meet with the teacher, with your child so that your child understands that you and the teacher are a team.

What happens when your child has the wrong teacher? At this stage of the game, it is a bit late to change. For future, it is important to be aware in the first weeks of school, or the semester depending on the child's age.

My son had a teacher in first grade that was going through a bitter divorce. Although we were unaware of her personal problems at the time, it all made sense when we found out the next school term. Simply put, boys were not her favorite. At every conference, she put our son down. Said he would not make it... said he was below average... and on and on. As a seasoned parent educator and mom of three older children, her words did not sit well with me. She gave no solutions, just criticism. We had just moved at the beginning of summer, and this was a brand new school in its first year. In order to not upset the apple cart, I did not heed my own advice, and I did not fully challenge her until the end of the year, and in fact let him stay in her class. After tutoring and testing, it was clear she was wrong. I really felt an apology was in order. We never got one, but it re-enforced what I am trying to teach parents. Know your child better than anyone else. Be ready to defend them when necessary, and listen honestly to the teacher, when you are wrong.

You have one go around with your kids. Be their strongest advocate. If they have a problem, see what you can do with the educator to fix it. If the problem lies with the educator, see what you can do to move out of it. Sometimes children are not suited to certain teaching styles. Don't let it go too long before you say something.

Talk directly with the teacher. If this does not work, speak with the principal. If this does not work, speak with the Superintendent in charge of curriculum for your district, and then finally the Superintendent.

Usually, the conflict with the teacher can be solved with a little teamwork and clarity. The conference should not be your first encounter with the teacher. When things are going great, it is easy not to say anything. But from the start, the teacher should receive a welcome e-mail from you, introducing your family, and allowing the teacher to contact you if any problem should arise, or if you can help them to better know your child.

There are very few bad educators. Most are in it for the love of, and dedication to the success of our children. As parents, sometimes the truth hurts. But if we listen, we will see that we are being given gifts to help us with our children. It does take a "village", and the school village can be extremely rewarding if we just let down our guard and listen to the lessons we are taught by those who spend many hours with our most precious gifts in life. Our children.

Happy Parenting!