Theresa Santoro

Givers and Takers

Are you a constant take, take, and taker? Or are you a give, give, and giver? Both of these traits can lead to disaster! Take a moment and assess honestly which one you may be.

Me? I am a give, give, giver... Who sometimes ends up resent, resent, resenting! I love to help people out, and while this is a great trait to have, it can and often does lead to disaster. Or worse yet, broken friendships, hurt feelings, and just general resentment of the takers in the world!

Takers are those who always look and seem so innocent to ask for your help "yet again"... After a while, it will seem so innocuous, that they will even wait until the very last minute to ask for just this one little favor... And stupid you, the giver, give in, and then resent it later on. Pretty soon a wall is built, and the giver and taker are at a stand still, or worse yet, a tug o' war!

This happens in school, and at work, and often on the playground. What is a fine parent to do? Should you be mean? Build a wall of "NO", or lay out the law of the land? Sometimes it will do you well to revisit the situation at hand.

Even teachers will take a mile if you give them too many inches! My teacher friends are now glaring at me from afar... But I bring this up, because now at the end of the year, gifts are expected from both sides of the fence. Come on people! Be grown ups! Stop the gifting for "helping".

In my district, some teachers walk away with up to $500.00 in gift card loot! Those that are chronic takers, make a mental note of who did not contribute to the gift card tree. One year, my daugters' fourth grade teacher came back from maternity leave just in time for the end of the year. She did not even share her gift card loot with the sub that stood in for her for six weeks. And the sub was fabulous! Our family gifted the sub instead.

Those teachers that are givers, are somewhat embarrassed by the ostentatious gesture of a windfall of gifts throughout the year.

In the OC, it is de rigueur to gift at least 3 times a year! Mainly in the lower level grades! And the gifts are huge!

Here is my recommendation to you. Say thank you, in writing. A letter to the Principal, or to the district commending your teacher. This goes much further than a gift card! It goes into their permanent file. If you are a "giver" as a parent, I know how much of your time you gave in and out of the classroom. You don't really owe a gift. A note of gratitude is priceless! Now if however, you are a taker, and at every opportunity you "took" up the teachers valuable time without an appointment, you probably owe a gift to the tree! Kidding of course! Your letter should be even more elaborate. How much time he or she gave to you, etc.

For me, I set my own path of giving too much, and now I have folks in my life that will simply drain the well of goodness for their own selfish benefit. My "bad" as they say.

I pity the chronic takers in the world. What goes around comes around, and God sees to it we learn lessons along the way. So keep on taking if you must, but just remember the law of physics. Someone is just around the corner ready to talk about you, take from you, zap your energy, and just give you what you deserve. When it happens, you will feel oh so victimized, but the truth is you took and took, and did not balance the pendulum with a giving heart, and now it is out of control. But you can take back the control... Vow to be a bit more giving. A little less selfish. Tip the waiter...Pay the babysitter...Smile at the grocer...See what you can do for your parents for a change. And for no good reason do a good deed for someone you have been less than sympathetic to.

As school wraps its final days, thank a teacher, thank a custodian, and thank the office staff. And for heavens sakes if you took too much from any one person, apologize! And if you gave too much at the cost of your own self worth, apologize to yourself, and set yourself up so it does not happen again!

Happy Parenting!