Theresa Santoro

Authoritarian Parent - My Way or the Highway

Authoritarian

adj 1: characteristic of an absolute ruler or absolute rule; having absolute sovereignty; "an authoritarian regime"; "autocratic government"; "despotic rulers"; "a dictatorial rule that lasted for the duration of the war"; "a tyrannical government" [syn: autocratic, dictatorial, despotic, tyrannical] 2: likened to a dictator in severity [syn: dictatorial] 3: expecting unquestioning obedience; "he was imperious and dictatorial"; "the timid child of authoritarian parents.

Jim and Kathy are successful professionals, and both work full time outside the home. They have kids that are well groomed, well mannered, and excellent students. They have it all; the perfect house, the perfect cars, the perfect careers, and the perfect kids. The secret that lies behind this well structured facade? Jim and Kathy are authoritarian parents. They are ruthless dictators when it comes to raising their children. They exert complete and total control over their kids. They are extremely restrictive and rigid in their methods and demand absolute conformity to their perceived level of what is right and what is wrong. They are cold and unyielding. They don't yell. They don't have to. The kids rarely step out of line.

Their son John will be an MBA. Their daughter Jillian will be an Attorney. Neither child has chosen this path. It was chosen for them. Jim and Kathy have never taken the time to explore what the children want. It is not about the kids,it is about what the parents want. They know what is best for their kids. Jim often tells the children that if they respect him, they will do as he says. Kathy has been known to withhold affection as a form of punishment. They are forceful in their beliefs and structured in their environment. The children are not allowed to think for themselves, as the parents will do all the thinking for them. The only requirement for the children is to obey. The rules are inflexible and will not be changed to accommodate them or their personalities.

This type of parenting has caused John and Jillian to be successful social misfits. On the outside, they appear perfect. On the inside, they are blenders of emotional turmoil. They go the to right school, they join the right clubs, wear the right clothes, get the right grades, but are depressed and unhappy. They are jealous of their classmates whose parents shower love and praise and actually have conversations with their teenagers. They appear unfriendly and hostile, when in reality they suffer from very low self-esteem. What looks to the outside like a perfect life, is in truth a living hell.

In reality, Jim and Kathy are not all that happy at their demanding jobs. It costs a lot of money to maintain the "perfect" life, and when away on business recently, Jim was wondering why when he is with his kids, he can't just tell them how much he loves them. Kathy wonders what people would think if they knew how much she drinks every night.

Jim and Kathy fear that if they let go of the power a little bit, their kids will spiral out of control into the wrong crowds, drugs, drinking, failing grades, etc. What they don't know, is that Jillian rarely sleeps and lives off of over the counter painkillers and "Red Bull" to function. John often thinks if only he were dead, life would be better. The kids don't confide in their parents, because they fear them. The parents don't look deep beneath the surface, because they are working so hard to keep up "appearances".

Are you the Authoritarian?